I’ve recently had a crisis of trust…
It seems the older I get, the more I realize that not everyone is trustworthy, not every does what they say they will do, and more importantly not everyone does what they should do. Maybe that just shows a lack of integrity on some people’s part – personally or professionally – but whatever it is, I know it has begun to change how I look at people in general. And I don’t like it.
I am a trusting person, perhaps that is rare, or just naive but I tend to trust people until they do something to betray that trust. This seems to be the opposite of most people; most people seem to trust no one – and wait until they ‘earn’ trust. That’s not me. But lately, I am at least starting to understand why that is.
Last Fall I had to hospitalize my oldest son Gabriel in the Inpatient Psychiatric Unit at Children’s Hospital. I trusted he would get good care there, and that we would find help, if not answers. I was painstakingly present to supervise his care, and yet, every staff member there fell short of delivering. I no longer trust them.
I have trusted my children’s schools and their staffs to give them the best care possible, and have worked tirelessly to develop IEP goals, and programs that would meet their needs. After we changed districts, and I got a new view of their programs and IEPs, I have realized that my trust was perhaps given too freely. I now am faced with trusting a new set of schools and staff to do it better this time and am optimistic, yet not sure I can say trusting.
I have trusted friends – new and old – and have been let down in the last few years. It isn’t one situation, or one incident, it is the concept that more and more people seem to not be trustworthy, which has pushed my concepts of trust further.
I trusted the online community, that people are in general good, honest, and without malice when they visit my blog. It turns out, that’s not always the case; it seems more and more people hide behind screen names and then flame, or in some cases terrorize, fellow bloggers’ ideas or posts. So I stopped writing. I stopped trusting.
And I realized recently that my personality was changing, as I became less trusting, I was becoming less open, not sharing in writing or in conversation. And I don’t like that new version of me, it isn’t who I am at heart, and it sure isn’t who I want to be. So, I made a decision….
…to start this blog, and start trusting again.
I could’ve done this differently. I could’ve written for someone else. I could’ve made the blog totally anonymous. I could’ve written under a fake name, hidden my identity and the identity of my boys. But I chose not to. I chose to lead with trust, not wait for it to be earned.
Why? Because that’s who I am. And if nothing less, I like that I am open, over-share too often, wear my heart on my sleeve, and am quick to point out the humor in my weaknesses as a person and as a parent.
My crisis of trust is probably just beginning, but before it gets out of hand, I am going to actively reclaim who I am.
The first step: trusting myself.